Become a (Walking) Deadhead Today!

For those of you who have lived in a remote cave for the past few years, you may be unaware of the existence of one of the most exciting, omnipotent shows to ever hit the airwaves (Assuming televisions still use airwaves.  I have no idea if this is the case.)  I am speaking, of course, about AMC’s The Walking Dead, which averages an audience of 346 billion viewers per episode and netted more than Africa’s GDP in season 1 and 2 DVD sales so far in 2012.  But you shouldn’t take those hard hitting numbers “sitting down;” if you sit in one place you could get bitten by a zombie!  Ha-ha! See what I did there?  I said you could get bit by a zombie! Just like in the show! 

Of course, you, Mr. or Mrs. Remote Cave-dweller, may not have even known there were zombies involved in this program.  So let’s take a second to get you caught up, with a helpful FAQ on The Walking Dead.  As always, key terms are in bold:

Q: What is the premise of the show?

A: There are zombies.

Q: That’s it?

A: Pretty much.

Q: Seems pretty unoriginal.

A: Tell that to the series creators’ garages filled with personal jets.

Q: Touché. Where are these zombies?

A: The setting for the show is the Atlanta, Georgia area, which is admittedly a pretty egregious plot-flaw. A zombie apocalypse would not be a significant downgrade to modern-day Atlanta, where gang violence would remain a bigger threat. In the show however, the characters pretend like this is some sort of big deal. 

Q: What kind of zombies are we talking about?

A: The walkers in the show are basically the same as the ones you see in Shaun of the Dead: slow, and shambling about aimlessly and endlessly.  The Walking Dead version might be slightly more aggressive, but not exactly at an I Am Legend mutant level, that’s for sure.

They constantly make guttural noises reminiscent of the sounds you hear at the dentist’s office when your gums are bleeding profusely from the hygienist stabbing you with sharp objects while removing plaque and they have to use that weird suction straw so you don’t choke on your own blood-- minus the part where they tell you you aren’t flossing enough.  

Q: Aren’t there, like, characters or something?

A: Yes, there are a bevy of protagonists that travel as a group and who are unlikable to the point where you are basically praying they get disemboweled by zombies.  They are led by Rick Grimes, an ex-cop with a comically poor southern accent and a perfect, eternal five-o’clock shadow.  Based on facial hair, whenever he isn’t fleeing the undead Rick must lock himself in the bathroom and do some frequent, intense reps on his jaw line with a Phillips Norelco.  The rest of the characters are just your average group of people who would live in Georgia if your average group of people who lived in Georgia felt the need make sure minority groups were adequately accounted for.

Q: That Rick guy is a bit of alright.

A: Yes he is.

Q: What can I expect to happen in a typical episode of The Walking Dead?

A: Most episodes begin with an action scene in which the main characters spend 5-10 minutes smashing lead pipes through the walkers’ skulls.  This is easy, because the zombies’ craniums collapse like something constructed by papier-mâché artist Sergio Bustamante. 

Q: WHO!?

A: I have no idea.

Rick and his crew preparing for an Action Scene. It's unclear why each character must be equipped with unique weaponry, but this is always the case. 

Q: Please continue.

A: So anyway, after slaughtering the undead for awhile, the characters usually feel the need to gather around and whine about stuff.  These depressing conversations can last for the majority of the episode in some cases.  Topics of discussion can include Rick’s relationship with his wife Lori, proposals for acquiring sustenance or medicine, and completely irrelevant babbling, all of which will start to bore the hell out of you after about five minutes.  This is when you should turn the channel or fast-forward your DVR until you get to the part of the episode after the last commercial break, where more zombies will get piped, and they also will foreshadow the next week’s episode with the strong implication that something new is going to happen (This is usually a lie.)

So there you have it.  Hopefully this gives you some feel for the show, but keep in mind that this is by no means an exhaustive dissertation.  There are many intricacies to The Walking Dead not discussed here that I plan to address in the future, unless I don’t feel like it.  Either way, I’d say tonight is as good a night as ever to join Dead Nation and start watching, as the third episode of season three airs at 8 CST.  Based on this week's trailer, it appears there will be zombies.