The following is a preview to season four of The Walking
Dead. Not familiar with the show? We’ve got you covered. Read this article from last year and you will
be 100% caught up.
Season four of AMC smash-hit The Walking Dead starts up this
October, which means that not long from now we’ll have brand new episodes
chalk-full of zombie-induced suspense, survival-fueled intensity, and
Hyundai-based product placement. Don’t
think you can wait even that long? Well
fear not, because as luck would have it, I happened to come across the scripts for
every episode of the new season. (“Hey, look! There are the scripts to every
episode of the new season of The Walking Dead,” were my exact words.)
Not wanting to completely ruin the new season for you
“walkers” out there, let me just say that the new one features all of the slow,
humorless plotlines of the first three seasons, with even more moments
featuring Rick muttering under his breath at people threateningly.
Yes, there is plenty of “fun” to look forward to, and I
would feel selfish keeping it all to myself. So with spoiler alerts, etc. in
mind, I now present to you the actual, never-before-seen script to the first
episode of season four of The Walking Dead:
The Walking Dead Season 4, Episode 1: "Zombies and Stuff"
(Working Title)
Scene 1
The camera pans over a
deserted country highway on a sunny summer day.
The dilapidated remains of cars and trucks litter both shoulders of the
road. The sound of an engine gradually
becomes audible as a pristine, 2014 Hyundai Sante Fe Sport enters the
frame. It parks beside a scummy-looking
Chevy SUV that even in its prime couldn’t dream of getting the Santa Fe
Man: Damn, I guess I shouldn’t have
been playing my new Maroon 5 album so loudly! It attracted all these freakin’
walkers! Hard to blame me though, what with the Sante Fe’s 10-speaker 360-watt
Infinity® audio system and all!
Suddenly, shots ring
out, and within seconds all of the zombies collapse to the ground next to the
Hyundai. There is a short silence, after
which Rick and his crew emerge from the woods, rifles in hand. Rick has a
perfect five o’clock shadow.
Man: Hey,
thanks for saving me, you guys are pretty good shots, huh?
Carl: When
it’s convenient to the plot, sure.
Rick: (angrily to the man, under his breath) Get the hell
out of here.
Man: Huh?
Rick: (slightly louder this time, while raising his gun) I
said you aren’t one of us. Leave.
Man: Sorry,
I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Would you speak up?
Rick shoots the man in
the head. He drops to the ground, dead.
Hershel: (surprised) Why
did you do that?
Rick: He wasn’t a completely
miserable, boring and unlikeable character like everyone else on this show…he
couldn’t be trusted.
Michonne: Well, you don’t trust me either, as was
made apparent about 20 million times in season three, so why don’t you just shoot
me too?
Opening credits/music montage, commercial
break
Scene 2
Rick stares Michonne down angrily with a
glassy look in his eyes, sweat pouring off his face, mouth slightly agape. He
examines her for a few seconds, then speaks under his breath in a voice that
sounds like Nick Nolte with strep throat.
Rick: (trailing
off) You’re right I still don’t trust you…I think that you…(inaudible).
Michonne: (Glares back at Rick)
Rick: You don’t even…(slurred words)…should
just…(something). (Stares irately at Michonne.)
Michonne: (Continues glaring at Rick)
Commercial break
Scene 3
Glenn and Maggie walk out of an abandoned
store with supplies, and begin loading them into their Hyundai Elantra for
their trip back to the prison.
Glenn: Hey, can I ask you something?
Maggie: Anything.
Glenn: We must smell really bad, right?
Maggie: What?
Glenn: Well, I mean, we never shower, we
wear basically the same clothes day after day, and it’s summer in Georgia
 |
| Glenn, sweating. |
Maggie: You’ve given this a lot of thought.
Glenn: Also, why don’t we ever wear clothes without these serious sweat stains? You’re telling me we can scrounge food up like it’s nothing and Rick has time to sculpt that amazing facial hair, but we can’t take the time to find an abandoned JC Penney outlet so we can get some clean clothes every once in awhile?
Maggie: …
Glenn: And then there are these
walkers. They can bite through pretty
much anything, right? But then we can
crush their head like it’s nothing if we have to. Shouldn’t their skull and their teeth be made
up of essentially the same material? It’s
not like when they drink milk all the calcium goes to their teeth and none to
their bones, right? So how is it we can jab them in the head with a Popsicle
stick and kill them, but at the same time they can just bite your arm clean
off?
Maggie: Just get in the damn Elantra.
They speed away, displaying
the Elantra’s impressive, smooth acceleration.
Commercial break
Scene 4
Michonne: (Glares)
Rick: (Stares, breathes)
Commercial break
Scene 5
Maggie and Glenn arrive back at the prison
gates.
Maggie: Merle!? But you’re dead!
Merle:
(confidently) Ain’t nuthin’ can kill
me.
Glenn: No seriously, Merle. You’re dead.
They killed you off even though you were the only remotely interesting
character on the show. You died, like, a
couple episodes ago.
Merle: (sheepishly) I hate to say it, but if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t watch the last couple of episodes of the last season.
Glenn: We don’t blame you.
Andrea:
(appearing out of a shrub) Am I dead
too?
Glenn: Thankfully, yes. You were horrible.
Andrea: Not as bad as Lori, though. Right?
Glenn: Oh, geez, no. No. Not THAT
bad.
Commercial break
 |
| A commercial for this could air during the break, who knows? |
Scene 6
Beth and Herschel are walking through the
woods, unarmed.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Come up with good reason for
the guy missing a leg and the 17-year-old girl to walk through the woods by
themselves unarmed before shooting this episode.)
Hershel: You will notice that I am not keeping
up with you very well since I am on crutches after losing my leg in that freak
zombie attack awhile back.
Beth: That was an oddly specific non-sequitur,
but, yeah, you should probably feel good about just being alive in the first
place.
Hershel: Well I’m sort of peeved by it actually,
on account of in the entire history of this show there has only been one zombie I
have ever seen, like, play dead, and it just so happened to be the one that bit my leg
when I walked past it unsuspectingly.
Beth: Yeah that really didn’t make
sense, but get over it; it was like a full season ago. Besides, we chopped your
leg off without the use of any antibiotics or surgical tools and you survived
without any infection or anything.
Hershel: Good point. Uh oh, here come some zombies.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Beth and Hershel need to get
pinned under a heavy object here, somehow.)
Beth and Hershel end up pinned under a large
branch, or something, with dozens of zombies moving in on them. There is no way
they will make it out alive.
Commercial Break
Scene 7
They make it out alive. At the last second, Hershel frees himself
from the branch. He then uses his crutch to easily and effortlessly collapse
the skulls of the approaching zombies like plastic Easter eggs getting run over
by a Hyundai Sonata.
Hershel: That was a close one.
Scene 8
Michonne is glaring at Rick while Rick
stares intensely back at Michonne.
Suddenly the Governor appears.
The Governor: Well lookee who we have here. Just who I wanted to see.
Rick: (turning
from Michonne to the Governor) (breathing heavily, sweating) (under his
breath) One false move, Governor… and I
swear I’ll… (stares at the Governor)
The Governor: (Leers at Rick)
Michonne: (Glares at the Governor)
The Governor: (Leers at Michonne)
Rick: (Stares at Michonne, then the
Governor, then back at Michonne again, breathing hard, sweating)
Commercial break
(Applause from
in-studio audience who apparently have no lives)
Chris Hardwick:
(way, way too excitedly) Next, on Talking Dead, we discuss what Rick was thinking about when he was
staring at Michonne, why Michonne gave The Governor that dirty
look, and we also recap that miraculous escape by Hershel and Beth earlier in
the episode. I thought they were done for! Haha!
Later, we’ll sit down for an
exclusive interview: we’ve got the janitor who empties the trash cans in Andrew Lincoln’s
trailer, in studio! All part of brand
new episode of Talking Dead, easily one of the most pathetic shows ever made.
I mean seriously, it’s a
television show devoted to breaking down another
television show. It’s sad really. I have talent;
what am I doing hosting this? I really need to take a step back and reexamine
my life. But first, I gotta watch the thrilling conclusion to this week’s The
Walking Dead.
End commercial break
Scene 9
The Governor is leering at both Rick and
Michonne. Suddenly he pulls out a
revolver and points it directly at Rick.
Michonne slowly reaches for her sword, without breaking eye contact,
obviously, but doesn’t make a move. Rick
doubles down on his staring, and begins to breath even harder, apparently
believing that it’s possible to literally stare bullets through someone.
The Governor:
(squeezing the trigger) I told
you not to mess with me, Rick…
As the Governor’s bullet converges on Rick’s
orbital socket, we suddenly hear the roar of an engine, and a self-propelled
2014 Hyundai Genesis Coupe darts in between the two, deflecting the bullet deep
into the woods, where it kills an innocent extra. Rick and Michonne jump in the car and speed
off, leaving The Governor fuming on the road behind.
Rick: (breathing
heavily, sweating, staring down the dashboard of the Hyundai) (under his breath) …Thanks… but I
don’t trust you. I don’t care that you
have a 348-horse power 3.8 liter turbo V6 engine. Or that you have a sport-tuned suspension and
available Bremo® brakes. And I
don’t even care that you start at an incredibly affordable $24,250 MSRP with
options shown; I still don’t trust you. When we get back to the prison you can
stay the night, but you have to leave first thing in the morning…
Hyundai Genesis
Coupe: Vrroom.
End credits
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